Answering machine

My mother, a master of guilt trips, showed me a photo of herself waiting by a phone that never rings.

'Mum, I call all the time,' I said. 

'If you had an answering machine, you'd know.' Soon after, my brother installed one for her. 

When I called the next time, I got her machine: 'If you're a salesperson, press one. If you're a friend, press two. If you're my daughter who never calls, press 000 because the shock will probably give me a heart attack.